5/16/00

Amongst the pressures and stresses of this past year: actually these past three years, I have always had a distant light burning bright, reaasuring me and drawing me onward. Each step I've taken these few years brings me closer and closer to this light. There have been times where I can't stand the distance, yet unable to face the closeness and inevitablity of it. My favourite writer says this: "The great courage is still to gaze at the light as at death" . This is perhaps the most difficult thing I must overcome. Sometimes, it is hard even to look at my reflection: something in my eyes overwhelm me: frightening me.

I suppose I want to share this growth with all of you. I should put this topic in confessions...it is quite intimate to me. Nenetheless, I do put it here. For now, I am sure it will be reallocated--then it will be up to you to find it. I need to justify this...this journalling, logging, public expression. Someone I used to respect quitted me about the self-indulgence of this forum...mine in particular I suppose. Consequently I feel the need to justify, respond, explain. Brice Parain said this: "My words do perhaps distort my ideas, but if I do not reason then my ideas vanish into thin air." This... all the journals I write provide me an outlet to explore my own soul at a distance. I also am quite aware of the loneliness inherient in this species. So all of my outpourings perhaps, hopefully make all of you feel less alone and isolated.

"If he speaks, if he reasons, above all if he writes, immediately the brother reaches out his hand, the tree is justified, love is born" -- Albert Camus

I am always philosophical on Tuesdays. Grin.

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