8/13/00
I feel that my recent posts have seemed hollow. I am beginning to feel hollow. Again. I am a wierd trick. Sometimes I feel so "full" I could explode. Then others I feel so empty I could implode. But I always feel huge. When I feel like bursting, I also feel that if I stretched my arms a little wider I could embrace the entire world. When I feel that cavernous emptiness I feel lost as I know I could house the entire population in me.
Six years ago to the date, I began this journey. I accepted myself and who I was. I looked in the mirror and for the first time I saw myself. I saw my soul. Have you ever looked into your reflection and saw not your skin...but you saw your soul? It's an awe-inspring moment. For me it can be scary. Maybe it's just overwhelming. I don't know. All I know is that I am different from others...and I have never found any one remotely like me in that respect. Sure I have mates. I have girl friends and guy friends that I honestly call soul friends...people that I can talk to and I know will understand and love me. But no one that can truly relate and truly know what is going on in me. Perhaps that is why I am on line and writing this--an obscure hope that my voice will reach out and connect with someone that can honestly tell me they know.
Today alone and cuddling with Romeo, I watched the telly...I cried and I cheered. I watch a tv movie on Lifetime. "The Story of Jane". A teenage girl that accepts, faces, and lives with her homosexuality. I watch her deal with the emotional trauma of being different and finding that her paents can't and won't understand her and accept her. I cried as they claimed it was a phase, took her to therapists to be cured, and confined her into their small world. I cried for her and for me. I may not be gay but like her my parents refuse to accept me...refuse to glimpse at the world through my eyes. How they misjudge and ridicule me for being who I am. For being different, for havng a mind. I like her wish my parents could see me for who I am...a good person.
Then I watched A&E, Biography of Bob Dylan. I love and adore Bob. He never fails to amaze me...to inspire me. I didn't discover Bob till I was 21...when I lived in Austin and met a fantastic guy who loved Bob Dylan...through him I fell in love with this genius who defies every label and every one. I hope I can met him someday.
So it's been six years. What has happened to me? I thought I had found myself that day...I did....but I soon found out that finding oneself does not have an end. It is a journey. But I feel that I may be getting closer to finding what I am. I made that crucial step that evening I took the first step toward my destiny. I found my mind. I found my soul. Now, I just have to learn what my mind and soul are.
9:41:00 PM -- Email --
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