8/26/00

I hate my name. Especially when connected with my person. The party I went to last night was thrown by some old friends that knew me before I was Birdwell...before I was Krys. So they know me as "Krystal" and try as they might they couldn't get their tongues around Krys...never mind Birdwell. People say "Krystal" is a great name...it's beautiful...it means some really cool things. It's not the connotations with Jerry Springer that bugs me so much...it's the plain fact that "Krystal" is not my name. It's completely alien. It really bugs me. Probably cause I feel so alien to my own skin... this mislabel just amplifies the feeling.

Call me a freak...just don't call me "Krystal." If you can't get around Birdwell...B or Birdy is fine...Krys if you have to but if I get my way (and I usually do) it'll be changed legally to Birdwell Evans--my ego isn't big enough for one name...I'll leave that to the Rock Stars...and Evans...I'm the last of this line...my feelings of family in general are strong,...no matter what my own family things.

Speaking of family, T. gave me this advice...from the bible, "I forgive who I will, but of you it is required to forgive all." Yeah, she's right. I gotta let the pain go...forgive them for they know not what they do. But in the same vain I can't stick around them..it's fake and it's painful. I am not plastic and I am tired of keeping that shape. Let the pain go and leave. Find my own family, my own home...the one i was supposed to have all those years ago.

In any case this "pain". "betrayal"...what ever you call it...makes for great artists.

You gotta be your self. No matter what the cost...in the end it is right and it will make you happy if you let it.

1:15:00 PM -- Email -- Link -- 0 Comments

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