10/23/00

I've been re-reading Rushdie's Ground Beneath Her Feet. It's one of my favourite books...I've read it 3 or 4 times since it was released. "Like swimming through oil paint and music." And it hits very close to home. "It shouldn't be this way." The theme of disconnecteness and unreliablity of reality...the feeling down deep that something is wrong with the way things are. The very same theme of my own life.

It's the same song all my friends hear. It's this conflict that I seek to resolve in a lot of the things I do. I search for a home I have never been to but instinctively know it's where I am supposed to be...where I belong. I look within my own soul for truth--for answers to so many questions. Daily I try to see beyond the contradictions that seem to make me up. I try to ignore the haunted look behind my eyes. The feeling that what I see in the mirror is not me.

I really need to express this--better than I have. My release comes through my heart and creativity. But, also...I just want and need to find those answers. I really don't know where to look...and I fear, also. The truth...it's possible repercussions...what people think. Really I'm not crazy. I figure all I can do it wait.

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