12/8/00

I'm tired. Dangerously tired. Sigh. These past few weeks have been horrible--increasingly coming more and more unbearable. I'm not totally why--but I am leaning toward blaming my mother. Holidays are always depressing--especially when I am near my family. It makes me feel so empty. Somehow this season feels worse--possible because this year has been rough in that corner. Or perhaps because it is immediate. We all know how bad my memory is.

I am tired of feeling hurt by them. I try to put it out of my mind--to live my own life. How can one forgive or heal if that scab is constantly being pulled off and dug at? How do I resolve this? Pity them? I don't know. They are supposed to be my family...my support, my strength, my very all. That is what I was taught and what I feel! What am I supposed to do with this empty space? Create a family of my own? What fills this mother-shaped hole?? I said this before and it sounded harsh--but it would have been better if my mother had died. Somehow it would heal--it wouldn't hurt this much.

I should get over it right? So what if my mother is cruel, unfeeling, abuse, unloving. It happens all the time. There are alot of unfit mothers out there. Why am I making such a fuss? Why can't I get over it? Why can't I move on?

Don't believe me? Think I am harsh? Q thought at one point I was exagerating--then she met my mother and realised I had done the opposite and thought I was being too kind. You've got to meet my mother. So now she works at my company and drops lost in her reality that nothing is wrong. I see her almost everyday. I can't take it much more.

If she read this--she would deny it. She doesn't understand what she has done to me. She thinks it is all a joke or part of my deluded mind. She laughs about my pain. She may have made a great actress the way she goes on.

Maybe this year seems so hard because it was the year I realised I had lost my mother. Realised that after all these years of trying--I have to give up on her now.

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