5/24/00
Gavin called me Birdy. Awww, I feel loved. Grin...only mates call me that too. It makes this day seem a little bit better.
I am proclaiming this week, the rest of it anyway, a free and clear zone. No more bad things can happen to me...actually I think i have the right to proclaim the rest of this YEAR a free and clear zone. Jaysus. A car accident, found out today my car was totaled, and two days later my mum kicks me out of the house with a week till I was to move into my own flat. My car's going to hell: we never had a chance to properly baptise it in Guinness. Poot.
I am abusing my best mates computer, yea Q!! We moved everything movable in my room in 6 hours...fortunately she's letting me store the big stuff...furniture wise...till I move to the flat. Sigh, I knew this would happen...I knew it. Somehow I thought I was safe ...in a grace zone, after all only a week left. I lived in constant fear these 6 months that my parents would throw me out...I just didn't think they were this heartless.
I am really not sure how it happened...it was soo fast. We were having an argument. I mentioned something about not liking my step dad, she bloody knows that!!! And she fucking exploded...I kept telling her...please don't make me say more..i don't want to talk about it....but she kept pressing..I admit I yelled at her, Leave me alone...et al. (I do tend to yell when angry or in a corner) It wasn't time to tell her anything...I was not ready she wasn't ready. So she told me I was not her daughter, since I don't want to be part of the family (I do, that's all I ever wanted, but I wanted a family that unconditionally loved, respected, and supported me...not telling at everyturn I am insane, diseased, hopeless, and unredeemable)
Wow looking throw my blog...it took my mom 15 or so minutes to start another agrument and throw me out...45 minutes used screaming at me before I could blog it.
Folks I can guarantee tha I will be blogging this for a while. So that I may get this out...examine it and move on. I hope I don't lose my baby sister. THAT is my biggest fear.
Mum said I hurt her, I wish she could see it through my eyes. The hurt of a girl that was put into second place by a step father...only the beginning of a loveless childhood. So devoid of hope and nurturing I invented and lived in elaborate fantasies and fairy tales to get me through a stunted childhood. For I was the big sister, an innocent broken at age 5, adult soon after, and the Babysiter. All I ever wwanted was a home I could truly call home. I am sure she sees it a different way..i know she does. I understand her pov...but she is unwilling to see mine. So it goes, right. My big sob story...well it's my sob story. And by getting it out here..I am preventing the bastards from grinding me down. I will not let this stop me...discourage me. I am Birdwell. My mother has proclaimed Krystal dead.
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