10/26/08
What's going on??
No I am NOT dead. Nor is my house immaculately clean.
I've just been very very quiet. As you can tell from my two previous posts I haven't felt very chatty or revealing. As my best friend Anne told me when I was whinging to her..."Honey it's your time of the YEAR!" Yeah, she hit the nail on the head square on. This time of year rattles me and makes me all titchy and dare I saw it witchy (so to speak). It's hard to communicate this on my blog, because well only people I know read this: my in laws, my mother, my best friends (but hey if your a stranger reading this give me a heads up!). I think I have always been afraid to share the real me with those I love....well, it has always ended badly. I thought perhaps I should go to the Confession (secret) blog for that....no hurt for the Birdy right?
But...honestly. Those that love me will love me for always and if they don't ... they have their own brand of problems.
This summer has been a roller coaster ride for me emotionally...thankfully, I never got off of the ride (see coasters are perfectly safe, as long as you don't jump off mid-ride)--but it was a harrowing experience nonetheless. I won't going into details but let's just say it left me raw, wanting to find a hallow tree to live my hermit life. It left me feeling so alone and different that I ached. It's hard to translate these feelings into words, into a blog, to throw them into the world ready to be torn apart and reconstructed and misused.
I was also told this summer that I wasn't who they thought I was (perhaps that's should be--WTF?!). I was also ,by someone else, accused of being a puppet (hello insulting, someone thinks I am that weak willed and mouldable?) It hurt because I thought this person knew me, perhaps was trying to understand me but no. I had "failed" her because I had changed--I think it was more like I wasn't living up to the picture she painted of me. It really fucked with my head for a while, until I understood it wasn't me; it was her and her damned picture of me.
It's my life's mission to be understood, known, and to be told, "No silly you are not so alone," I have to blog, to write. What has stood permanently on my blog is what I really am. Dubh Croi is what I am and "these words I write keep me from total madness." Because folks, I pirouette on the shining edge of madness every day.
Hell my life mission is that someday I will understand what I am.
So that explains the twitchy...
Labels: blog, daily rant
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