5/27/00

Okay. I understand why my mum went ballistic and "disowned" me. (Apparently Krystal Evans her daughter is dead, which is fine by me i killed her nearly 5 years ago) I just don't understand how.

Why: Differing religious beliefs (I am going to hell), different views on life and everything, rejecting the name she gave me (honestly Krystal dosn't feel like it's me!), not liking her husband and appreciating all he and she did for me, "corrupting" my sibs (ha they have eyes!), not playing the dutiful daughter and picking up the slack for her...(sorry I had 18 years of picking up the slack and watching my 2 brothers and step father sit on their fat asses watchng tv and farting--so what if I am a wee bit bitter).

My explaination: I am not ungrateful. I am very appreciative of them providing shelter, transportation, and the occasional meal. However...I don't need such things...they are nice...it's luxury...what I need..to live to breathe...is understanding and acceptance...emotional support and encouragement. And above all to be ME!! I can't be something i am not...it is wrong in every definition of morality. I wanted support. I didn't need mum and her husband telling me I am insane, I have a problem and i won't get anywhere unless I get help. My aspirations and goals are not pipe dreams. I wanted shelter from the storm. My family is and was the storm. And I pray to whatever god is out there that my brother and sister will survive it (I know that my other brother is already too far gone).

How: I don't know how a mother can abandon her child in the most desperate time in her life for a second time. And not realise that THAT is more hurtful and damaging than anything else she may feel i have done to her. As far as I am concerned I lost my mother whenI was 6 and she re-married.

Hell, she may even read this. I don't care...this is how i feel...and folks that is my reality. You know I almost wish she had died...cause it would not hurt as much as this. yes yes awful thing to say but true.

So it goes. And in a week...I'll stop prattering on about it. it's still too fresh..the stabs still bleeding.

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