Dark Heart
by Birdwell
4/14/04

Mic has learned to open doors

Great! He opened his first door last night. Then his second this evening. THEN the big one his door after I put him to bed.

So I locked the door. And put the key above the door. It was heart wrenching...he sat in his bed crying Mama mama...then since that didn't work Daddys Daddys. But hell, I need to sleep and some peace and he needs to sleep it's 10.30 pm!!! I will probably get a child lock door knob cover tomorrow. Seems more humane than locking the door.

I don't understand why going to bed has become such an issue. Putting him down for a nap used to be easy...at 12pm he'd rub his eyes, I'd take him to his bed and poof after a second of whining he'd be passed out of a few hours. Now...he fights it to the bitter end. Sometimes he comes out of his room 2 hours later with not a wink of sleep (but he is exhausted) and by 5 pm he drops on the floor asleep. And Bedtime has gone from 9pm to way past 10pm and ALWAYS a fight. Before he never cried or fought before going to bed for the night. He'd lay down and fall asleep.

Course, most of this changed since he broke his last VCR...I guess he would lay there away watching his video and then fall asleep. Now all he has is the darkness. Perhaps I never should have introduced the VCR, but hell I got sleep done, I got cleaning done, I was able to eat in peace...

I think on top of these I am having a hard time delaing with the pregnancy. I think I am depressed...all the hormones have me feeling blue and tired and short. I feel that I can barely function...and because I feel that way I feel even more terrible. And I have no one to talk to this about. My only friend with a kid...has one and only wants that one...no sympathy there. My other friends have no kids. And my mom is unavailabe for that sort of deep emotional talk (too busy with her thign and watching TV...sure I get to endure all her bitching...but she never listens to mine. Talk about a one sided relationship. So I am very frustrated (and I am SURE I am going to catch hell for that...I'll get a phone call tomorrow calling me a horible daughter...one more guilt trip I DON'T NEED).

Sigh. I go in for an ultra sound tomorrow and somehow have to drink 32 ounces of fluid in one hour. Great....I hate that part. But we'll find out if everything is okay...if my lack of appetite hasn't already done serious harm to our baby...and if we're having a boy or girl J. thinks it's a boy now...he dreamed it was.

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