10/11/06
Numb and Dumb
It's interesting that the only difference between the words "numb" and "dumb" is the first letter. The words aren't interchangeble per se, but when you feel dumb you often also feel numb and vice versa.
Right now I am feeling both acutely. And I realise I have felt this way for 4 years now...perhaps 5. I don't write much--for all the blogging I do--it doesn't feel witty or intelligent, merely a lot of throw away words. My brain feels numb--and I feel dumb.
I am trying to get my brain unwrapped from the layers of cotton batting. Reading books with literary meat...Emerson, Wilde, Homer. But I don't feel like it's even getting through all the cotton. I try to make goals of improvement, but they fall flat. I keep trying to tell myself, if I just had more gumption I could do it. But am I just fooling myself?
Is it a more serious problem--has it comes to the dreaded chemical depression? Do I need drugs just to feel better?
Being someone who prides themselves on self control and self responsiblity, it's a bitter pill to swallow. It's hard to even admit the possibility of depression, of being out of control.
Today was a hard day. Micci came up to me after watching a show about friends and told me, "M. is my best friend. M. has new friends at her school. I don't think M. is my best friend anymore. I miss M. M. is the daughter of T & R who I don't want to speak to any more after they missed Lorelei's birthday party. It was the last straw ina string of snubs and plain diverging of lives. And I hate the Micci has no friends. I feel so guilty for not working harder to find him playmates.
Admitting that I feel like I am depressed...is like admitting defeat. I feel that it will make me unqualified to be their mother, to homeschool them. And if I don't fix this...pick myself out of this funk...I will be a failure and I won't be able to educate my children, because I will be lost in a pool of darkness.
Being a parent is incredibly hard. It's not a cake walk and I need to stop seeing it as a cake walk and start working hard. Stop doing what I am doing. Find the answer.
3:44:00 PM -- Email --
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Hi, One of the first problems with depression is to admit to yourself that you may be depressed. As you have, bravely, got to this position, now you can (bravely) seek professional help.
The verdict may be that you are not depressed, but should help you find a local group to make new friends (especially homeschoolers). Try reading other homeschooling blogs - especially if you find local ones.
They are a marvellously friendly, non-judgemental group of people.
